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Zayn Malik and Perrie Edwards get engaged in talent show tryst

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Be afraid, be very afraid. Talent show graduates are now cross-breeding, creating a vision of a dystopian future where all music carries the taint of X Factor/Britain's Got Talent/The Voice antecedents. And all because Zayn Malik from X Factor also-rans turned global sensations One Direction got engaged to Perrie Edwards from X Factor winners turned yesterday's news Little Mix.

The news was confirmed by Perrie's mother Deborah who spilled the details to Real Radio (Warning: the following quote may induce nausea in those of a sensitive disposition): "It's wonderful because Zayn is absolutely gorgeous and Perrie loves him to pieces. It's just perfect and they get on so well together. It's just fabulous. I said how’s long’s this gonna be? And she said 'I don’t want a long engagement but I don’t want a quick one either'. I think they’ll eventually get together and set the date. He did the traditional asking me, and then he asked his mum and dad. It was fabulous, it was lovely. I was like a little marshmallow - it was so lovely."

Little marshmallow eh? It seems that Mum was entrusted with making the news public because nobody put two and two together when Perrie ostentatiously flashed a massive diamond engagement ring at the premiere of the film One Direction: This Is Us. It's described as a three-stone ring although it's not clear whether this refers to the setting or the weight.

It's tempting to say that maybe nobody cared, but of course there are millions of 1D fans worldwide who will be devastated by the news. Perrie should probably brace herself for the death threats. This may be why the group's official spokesperson was reticent about the matter, issuing a statement: "Zayn and Perrie are engaged, but any further detail regarding their relationship is private and we ask media to please respect this."

We'll never mention it again.

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