TOWIE movie heads for Dubai

Bling, conspicuous consumption and relentless vulgarity: there was only ever going to be one destination for The Only Way Is Essex: The Movie. Dubai.

Putting aside such tiresome quibbles about how you actually make a reality show into a movie, there has to be a degree of consternation about how a cast famous for little else than its willingness to get embarrassingly off their faces at the pop of a Lambrini cork is going to stay out of trouble in a state that is somewhat intolerant of drunken Western excess.

Dubai is now the city-break destination of choice for the wannabes who make up TOWIE’s audience. “Stars” Joey Essex and Sam Faiers have recently visited the Gulf to scout out possible locations. It’s not quite a done deal yet, although The Sun served up some quotes from "inside sources".

"There have been rumours of a TOWIE film for a while but bosses have now finally talked to the cast about it," they report. "They said that while they are currently concentrating on the new series later this month, the film is something they want to do and it could even kick off as early as this summer. Dubai would be the perfect place as it is the current hip destination for young Essex boys and girls and it would be a great sunny location to film in."

And the problem of turning reality into movie? "It would be more structured than the series but it would still be about the real stories of the cast and finding out what is going on in their lives."

Here’s a plotline they can have for free. The current TOWIE cast get caned at a nightclub, flash a little too much flesh and find themselves on the wrong side of the stern Dubai laws on public morality. They face an ironic sentence of getting caned, unless a rescue team of ex-TOWIE stars led by Mark Wright can break them out of jail.

Could work.

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