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The good news is: she speaks!

Cheryl Cole has given her first major interview since her little battle with a mozzie all those months ago. The bad news is, her PR people lined her up to speak to Hello magazine. Which means; no juicy revelations, just lots of wittering on about dogs and the like. But we know you want to read it anyway...

Cheryl 'opened up' to Hello magazine, in that classic Hollywood way, where you say lots about literally nothing at all. To whit, 'When I'm away... I miss the dogs like crazy. I used to talk to them on the phone but I don't now because I've discovered they're not interested. They don't listen!' And on her face, 'Sometimes I look at pictures and can't believe it's me. I don't actually know what I look like anymore - I see so many pictures of myself all the time.'

And now, on her method for getting into the 'Fight for this love' zone, 'I have this little ritual now where we go into a huddle backstage and they do this 'Cheryl's army' chant that gets us all pumped up.' And finally, as if these snippets weren't quite enough, on being considered a beauty, 'They obviously haven't seen me at home in my pyjamas, hair all over the place and not a scrap of make-up on.'

For the love of God, woman - we're not expecting Russell Brand every time, but do please find some of your former edge. Why not start a feud with a random celebrity? Where's Lily Allen when you need her...

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