Teese me, Teese me, Teese me, Teese me, baby

Now you'd accuse us of being a cynical bunch, but even hardened seen-it-all types like us love a little bit of Eurovision. In fact we've been known to face the bile of friends who wanted to watch the boxing because we were busy with our Eurovision sweepstake.

So you'll excuse us for being quite excited at the idea of burlesque queen Dita Von Teese performing on stage with the kings of naff Europop – Germany.

She will prance and wiggle her shizzle around the stage playing the part of Mrs Kiss Kiss Bang while Alex Christensen and Oscar Loya warble: 'Mrs Kiss Kiss Bang she's not a fool/ Extraordinary and oh so cool. When I feel the touch of her sweet lips/ I know this is a devil's kiss. She sets my soul on fire with no return/ Oh baby just burn burn burn.' Germany for the win this year, lump on.

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