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Scissor happy T

Page 3 model Nicola T has the solution to the crisis splitting the country in two (that’s John Terry’s philandering, not anything to do with people in government, and most certainly not anything to do with funding for humanities in higher education being cut); cut the love rat’s member off and stick it where the sun don’t shine. Speaking to The Sun for no discernible reason other than she’d met Terry through her ex-boyfriend Bobby Zamora, she explained why'd she go nuclear.

‘If I ever met Vanessa I'd knock her out on behalf of every woman in the country. If I was Toni I'd like to think I'd chop his d*** off and shove it up his a***,’ said Miss T, before adding a huge caveat and going on to explain that really, most men are like him. ‘But then again, maybe they should stay together for the children. It's really difficult.

‘Most footballers are probably like John Terry. If any bloke is given a load of female attention when they're out and temptation's put in front of, there's going to be a pretty high percentage of men who'll take it. It's not just footballers. I think with footballers, it's just offered more to them because of the situation they're in - and girls are just shallow.’

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