Popstars: The Rivals (2010)

Pity poor Nadine Coyle. Louis Walsh has a product to flog, and therefore needs to say something that will garner lots of lovely press attention. So, of course, the only option is to offer up his pearls of wisdom on Girls Aloud. And that's what he does - painting Nadine as the evil vixen, selfishly sunning herself in LA and dating sporting hunks, while her bandmates wait patiently, with only a Gregg's pasty and the cloudy English weather to console themselves.

Louis said, 'I think she needs Girls Aloud. I really do. I think she so needs it. The only person who can sort out the problems is [Nadine], because the other girls are all over here and she’s in LA. I hope they can work it out. They don’t have to like each other, they just have to work together. No girlband really gets on well, because they all want to be the skinniest, they all want to be doing lead vocals and they all want to go out with the most famous footballer.'

Wowsers, just call him Louis Descartes! He's only gone and deconstructed the tension at the heart of every girlgroup that's ever existed. Give that man an honorary degree in pop psychology...

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