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Oink oink, piggy under the tree

Everyone knows the joy of Christmas is in the anticipation of not knowing what goodies you'll find under the tree; the most deflating part is the 5 minutes after you’ve torn the wrapping paper off and realised you didn’t get what you really wanted and instead were lumbered with another pack of Marks & Sparks socks, yeah, cheers mum & dad.

Lucky David Beckham then who won’t have to go through that this year, because The Mirror have found out what Victoria has bought him for Christmas and told the whole bleeding world (yeah, we know, throwing stones in glass houses.) If you’re reading this David, or having someone read this out loud to you, then please tell them to stop...now....Too late, it’s a pair of pigs.

'What can you possibly buy the multi-millionaire, superstar footballer who has absolutely everything?' asks the newspaper's source. 'In the case of David Beckham, the answer is, obviously, a pair of cuddly designer piglets.'

They’ve also reported that David wants to call the pigs Pinky and Perky. Hang on! WHAT? He already knows he’s got the pigs? Couldn’t he wait to name them? Jeez. Merry bloody Christmas.

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