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No Tony Cottee Brand, then?

You’d have to be a bit of a beaut to want to name your child after a football player (you know, Ruud Gullit Smith – we’re not talking about naming you son David after David Beckham). You know the sort; the crazed super fan who has nothing else in their life than their football club, and who drifts off into a daydream when the conversation moves onto music, or politics. They don’t usually bother going to games, mind you.

Anyway, enough of our bug bears. In other superfan news, smoking hot Katy Perry has apparently put the kibosh on Russell Brand naming any of their kids after West Ham players. We’d be surprised if that had been a genuine conversation about that in the Brand-Perry household, mind you, rather than a bit of joking about.

‘I've put my foot down and let him know under no circumstances are any of our kids going to be named after his favourite players,’ she said, before explaining a compromise . ‘I was thinking maybe a West Ham jersey in his office and a set of West Ham mugs in the kitchen.

‘I'll be too embarrassed to invite any neighbours around for drinks though - we'll be the only apartment to have a West Ham bathroom mat!’ Hilarious!

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