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For some reason that we can’t quite fathom, Justin Bieber appears to be incredibly famous and popular among the little teeny boppers. Maybe it’s his apparently angelic good looks that fool the teenage girls that he’s just a little sweety-pie, but don’t be fooled girls; behind the doe-eyes lurks the lascivious (look it up) mind of a shark. He’s only thinking about one thing and don’t you ever forget that.

Anyway, now that we’ve warned you good and proper, time for the story: your man Bieber has said that he’ll put on a free gig for David Beckham’s kids in e3xchange for some lessons in how to play football. We look forward to you never heading the ball, never going past a man and never using your left foot, Justin. Just don’t ask us to watch your silly little concert.

‘I am sure he would do anything to make his three boys happy and if I am their favourite artist I would happily come and put on a private show at the Beckham household,’ said the warbler. ‘All I would ask for in return is that we go into his yard for an hour afterwards and he teaches me all those crazy things he can do with a soccer ball.’

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