Message on a window

It doesn't quite hold the mystery and intrigue that a surrogate mother would have done. In fact, news that Cristiano Ronaldo's babymamma is a penniless waitress he knocked up and then paid off, strikes us as pretty standard fare in the life of an overpaid air-kicker.....

Not that the waitress, (the gagging order denies the poor girl a name) is complaining. The Tangoed One allegedly paid her £10 million to keep mum. Ok, we'd forego a name for that price, (though perhaps not the baby).

But it's the lurid details about Cristiano's pulling techniques which have left us reeling. Foregoing the usual mating dance employed by footballers on the prowl (at the very least some Cristal and a 'table' in a kitcsh nightclub) Crissy scrawled a message on the window of the waitress's restaurant: 'me, you kiss.' Crikey. He may as well have knocked her over the head with a club and taken her back to his cave...

Surely there's someone on the payroll to write cheesy chat-up lines for him?

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