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'I'm going to ask Prince Charles'

One of the things that going to be entirely inescapable over the next few months is the royal wedding, in which two unjustifiably (and entirely by an accident of birth) wealthy people get hitched in an incredibly lavish style at the taxpayers’ expense, all the while having guffawing chinless buffoons bow and curtsy in front of their royal highnesses.

But that’s not the worst thing, of course, the worst is the number of people who will be placated by the addition of bank holiday in which they can get slaughtered down the pub, and various other people generally acting like deferent serfs. Take Cheryl Cole, for instance, who is hoping she will get a late invite to the spongers’ shindig. Why, exactly?

‘I’m going to ask Prince Charles where it is – I think it must have got lost in the post,’ she said. ‘I love Kate’s style – she dresses like a princess. I’ve met William a couple of times, but never Kate. I can’t wait for the wedding – hopefully I’ll be watching from an aisle.’

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