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He's my fairy godmother

There comes a time in every man’s life when he finds himself stuck in a terrible quandary; you like a girl (that THAT way) and she thinks of you as a lovely big cuddly bear, all sweet and friendly and nice, but utterly incapable of any sort of sexual act. It’s around this time that you can either do one of two things: turn into a love-sick puppy, convinced that by being as wet as humanly possible you can make her love you, or decide you hate women and become a terrible sex pest with a chronic Madonna/Whore complex.

It seems that Will.i.am is stuck in the first rut, having convinced Cheryl Cole that he is in fact a tiny old woman with wings, who flies around granting wishes to cartoon children. Always the sort of image to get your desired conquest doing rumpy pumpy in the sack, no?

‘He's like a fairy godfather to me,’ said Cole to The Sun. ‘He's my mentor. I was doing Girls Aloud and I was very happy with that.

‘(However) about a year before we agreed to take a break, I was watching TV with the girls and Will was on it and he was asked, ‘Are there any British acts you'd like to collaborate with?’ and he said, ‘There's two: U2 and Cheryl Cole’. We all burst out laughing because the two just didn't seem in the same league. (But not because U2 are Irish, not British? - Ed)

He said, 'Let's make a record', he told the girls 'It doesn't have to affect you. Cheryl can do it and she can come back.' He's a genius.’ But not got any chance of bedding you, right?

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