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'Heather's banned from my show'

Piers Morgan is the king of the smug showbiz tale, and now he's been promoted to the US, the pressure's on to make those stories smugger and more self-important than ever, featuring even bigger stars than before. Yes, even bigger than Amanda Holden. This one features Macca, and a promise Piers has made to never allow Heather Mills on his new show.

Piers told Entertainment Weekly about his role in bringing together Mills and Macca, 'Paul sat next to me, asked me all about her. I said: 'I think you'd get on brilliantly; she's a vegetarian, she's very attractive, intelligent.' Next thing, Paul takes her out on a date, next thing they get engaged, next thing they get married, it's all very happy and hunky-dory and then she takes him to the cleaners. And I realised I'd pushed one of the world's great gold diggers in the direction of one of my heroes.

Piers wrapped up the cheesy tale with a flourish, 'And as Paul puts it to his close friends: 'Thanks, Piers, you cost me 50 million dollars.' So, for those reasons and by way of any tiny reparation I can make to Macca, she has a lifetime ban.'

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