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Heather Mills: What really happened

Much as we fancied toppling off the sofa tonight in time for the pub quiz - that little plan's headed straight for the slop bucket. Because Channel Four documentary Heather Mills: What Really Happened is on.

The explosive docu-soap will spill all the truly stinking jills on Lady Muck's childhood, her days as a high class hooker, and her rather skillful snaring of a vulnerable and supremely loaded Beatle.

Mark Mills, Heather's estranged father, (who she hasn't seen for 20 years) trashes claims made by Mucca about him being a violent schizo dad, responsible for ruining her childhood. "Fantasy - no violence - I’m convinced,” says Mark.

And Denise Hewitt, ex call girl colleague of Muck's reminisces about her and Mucca performing girl on girl romps for rich clients - including Australian magnate Kerry Packer and some rich Saudi Prince noone can really remember the name of.

Denise also kindly deconstructs the mysterious lure of the Geordie One, claiming the Muckster's success with men is a result of her somehow 'bewitching' or ensnaring them in her quite magnetic forcefield. “She manipulates people and they’re besotted, enchanted.”

Denise also tells reporters Mucca knew exactly what she was doing shacking up with big moob offender Paul (who Mucca claims had bigger t*ts than her when they first met).

Says Denise, Mucca gave Macca an eight to ten month proposal window during which time if he didn't get down on one knee and make her entitled to a big chunk of change from his fortune, she'd be out the door faster than a supersonic trump.

Roll on 10pm, we cannee wait pet!

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