Girl, get out of my house

You thought it had gone away for good, didn’t you? Once that divorce was signed you thought that was the last you’d ever hear from Chez Cole, right? Wrong. It turns out that Ashley Cole wants his ex-wife to get out his house so he can move back in, and he wants it done yesterday.

It’s hardly surprising he wants to go home, given that home is a whopping great home in posh Oxshott, Surrey, and that his bachelor pad was recently raided by sneaky thieves, who made off with tracksuits, pants and socks. The scoundrels.

‘Ashley wants his house back so he can get on with his life,’ said a source to the Mirror. ‘He wishes Cheryl well, but would like her to move out now so they can both move on.

‘He didn't like having Derek in his home while Cheryl was recovering from malaria - that was weird for him. The idea of another man sitting on his sofa, watching his 52in plasma screen TV, was a little unnerving, to say the least.

‘He's not happy where he is staying now because he recently got burgled - they took all his best tracksuits, socks and pants which, again, freaked him out. There was a porter at the apartments and they still got in.His family are now concerned for his safety, and would prefer him to move back to his former marital home.’ We think he needs to return to his East London roots with a bit of this heavy tunage:

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