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'Do it again and you'll get it in the neck'

Once upon a time, someone, somewhere asked Peter Crouch what he would have been if he hadn’t become a footballer, to which he replied ‘a virgin’, a response so good that he should have been given lifelong ownership of the England captaincy there and then. From then on we decided that Crouch was our kind of guy, even if he was a tad ungainly on the football pitch.

So it was with some surprise that we read the News of the World and found out that he’s fallen for a classic tabloid set-up, paying for a €1000 prostitute while on holiday in Madrid. The divvy. You can’t get much more red-handed than that, and fiancé Abbey Clancy obviously went absolutely mental when she read the news, screaming ‘You b******, how could you do this to me?’ Even worse, her mum Karen wants to give him a ‘bloody good hiding’. Oh dear.

‘Abbey was livid someone she was madly in love with treated her so badly,’ said a so-called ‘friend’ of the couple to The Sun. ‘She found out the true extent of what he'd done while she was filming in Manchester and rang in a blind rage.

‘She screamed at him calling him every name under the sun. Crouchy's a big lad but she made him feel 2ft tall. He was pleading with her to forgive him, saying he still loved her like crazy. He tried to calm her with some tall story - but she was having none of it.

‘She feels hurt, angry and humiliated and is considering whether they have a future.’ Anyone want to lay odds on them still getting married and selling the rights to some mag or other?

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