Cowell intruder arrested

The charge: wanting to inflict GBH on Simon Cowell. You would have thought there might be several million potential suspects, but in fact the police already have a woman in custody.

The Sun reports that an intruder broke into Cowell’s house and was found lurking on a shelf in his wardrobe (Simon is the kid of guy who obviously has very palatial bedroom furniture). The X Factor and Britain’s Got Talent mastermind discovered her after hearing a suspicious noise.

The woman was allegedly brandishing a brick. She had broken in through a bathroom window from Cowell’s flat roof. She apparently told Cowell’s staff, "Simon knows me." Cowell was at home watching the first show in the new series of Britain’s Got Talent.

The woman was named as 29 year-old Leanne Zaloumis of Catford, South London. She was remanded in custody awaiting trial in June on charges of aggravated burglary. Rumours that the trial would involve 4 judges listening to her sing and then deciding whether she should go to jail or through to the next round were probably unreliable.

After the incident Cowell, already in a bad mood because David Walliams keeps making jibes about his sexuality, was planning to tighten security at his West London home. A source told the newspaper, "It's a shame as he prides himself on being a man of the people, but he just can't take chances."

Simon Cowell is a man of the people. Hollow laughter no doubt echoed around most of the British music industry at that revelation.

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