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Cheryl's Messi tango invite

In the past year, Cheryl Cole seems to have become some sort of mythical representation of beauty, a kind of Helen of Troy for the tabloid press. This means that any Johnny Foreigner wanting a bit of press attention only needs to mention the hotness of Chezza in a pithy soundbite, and the result will be hundreds of entertainment goons over here writing about it. Er, hang on...

Argentinian footballing wizz Messi told The Sun, 'I don't know if Cheryl is going to want to support England. She might be a bit anti England players at the moment. If she is looking for a new nation to follow at the World Cup, she should look no further than Argentina. We play the prettiest football, have the prettiest players, and Argentinian men also know how to treat their women. She would of course have to do the Tango. I don't think there would be a shortage of Argentinian players willing to help teach her.'

No, Cheryl, you're better off here - don't you be tempted by their 'pretty' ways. We can offer you pies, beer and ugly football, what more could you want?

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