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A real ice breaker

If television is anything to set your apocalypse clock to, the end of days must surely be coming. Not content with reanimating Bruce Forsyth's corpse for Saturday night tat-fest Strictly Come Dancing, it has sent out hordes of clones ready to melt the brains of the populace, the most preposterous of which must be Dancing On Ice.

Throwing away the obvious rationale that any TV format that has resorted adding 'On Ice' to it's title must surely be complete bottom mess, 10.8 million (40 percent of the audience share) people tuned to the final on ITV1, where stillborn baby Ray Quinn beat off the world's worst investigative journalist Donal MacIntyre and Jessica Taylor to the 'title'.

A nadir was reached last night people, and it was when Queen, sorry, Quinn shouted 'yeah baby' with the trophy (seriously, why is there even a trophy?). Get in the bunkers, 'cos the four horsemen are coming.

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